Expendables 3 Poster

THE EXPENDABLES 3: Time to Mow the Lawn

The Expendables 3 (2014) – Directed by Patrick Hughes – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Antonio Banderas, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Kelsey Grammer, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz, Robert Davi, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’m never going to complain too hard about a…

Escape Plan Quad Poster

ESCAPE PLAN: You Hit Like a Vegetarian

Escape Plan (2013) – Directed by Mikael Håfström – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jim Caviezel, Vinnie Jones, Vincent D’Onofrio, Amy Ryan, Sam Neill, and Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. It’s fascinating watching our ’80s and ’90s action heroes age. Bruce Willis has turned minimalist, his characters becoming more interior, as if what age has sapped…

JUDGE DREDD: I Am the Law

Judge Dredd (1995) – Directed by Danny Cannon – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante, Diane Lane, Rob Schneider, Joan Chen, Jürgen Prochnow, and Max von Sydow. There are some movies that just aren’t worth talking much about, and JUDGE DREDD is one of them. Whatever it was that was paid for the rights to translate…

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II: Do We Get to Win This Time?

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985) – Directed by George P. Cosmatos – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Richard Crenna, Charles Napier, Steven Berkoff, Julia Nickson, and Martin Kove. When people tend to think of Rambo, it’s FIRST BLOOD, PART II that most often gets conjured up in the mind. It’s certainly the image that came to…

FIRST BLOOD: God Didn’t Make Rambo. I Made Him.

First Blood (1982) – Directed by Ted Kotcheff – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Richard Crenna, Brian Dennehy, David Caruso, Bill McKinney, Michael Talbot, Chris Mulkey, and Bruce Greenwood. Every once in a while everyone is reminded there’s a reason you don’t let other people make up your mind for you. I’ve never seen FIRST BLOOD or…

THE EXPENDABLES 2: Track Him, Find Him, Kill Him

The Expendables 2 (2012) – Directed by Simon West – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Yu Nan, Chuck Norris, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Liam Hemsworth, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Scott Adkins, and Charisma Carpenter. If you’re new to the Anxiety, be aware that SPOILERS LIE AHEAD. This is…

THE EXPENDABLES: Come Watch Old Men With Bad Knees Pretend Punch Each Other

The Expendables (2010) – Directed by Sylvester Stallone – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke, Gisele Itie, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Charisma Carpenter, David Zayas, Gary Daniels, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sylvester Stallone’s THE EXPENDABLES might be the most insightful movie on stunted masculinity since…

DEATH RACE 2000: You’re One Very Large Baked Potato

Death Race 2000 (1975) – Directed by Paul Bartel – Starring David Carradine, Simone Griffeth, Sylvester Stallone, Mary Woronov, Roberta Collins, Martin Kove, and Louisa Moritz. It’s been an Ib Melchior kinda week. Melchior co-wrote the screenplay for Robinson Crusoe on Mars, which I reviewed yesterday, and wrote the short story “The Racer,” which was…