THE HOST: This Body is Mine

The Host Poster

The Host (2013) – Directed by Andrew Niccol – Starring Saoirse Ronan, Max Irons, Jake Abel, Frances Fisher, Chandler Canterbury, Diane Kruger, and William Hurt.

Aliens have taken over the Earth.

The Earth has never been better, but it’s better because aliens have taken over the Earth.

The Aliens are glowing strands of collected light that enter humans and take control of their bodies.

The Aliens are called Souls.

A Soul named Wanderer is put into a rebellious young girl named Melanie Stryder.

Melanie and Wanderer fight for control of the body.

Melanie talks only inside of the body’s head. Wanderer talks with the body’s mouth. So it’s like watching Smeagol and Gollum argue with one another, if Smeagol and Gollum were rebellious teenage girls who still manage to look fashionably cool despite aliens almost completely taking over the world.

Wanderer’s job is to find out information on the remaining, un-Souled humans that Melanie has inside of her head.

Melanie does not want this to happen.

They argue.

They come to an agreement because Wanderer is moved by the memories inside Melanie’s head, especially the scenes of making out.

They borrow a Volvo.

They wreck the Volvo.

I shut off the movie.

I lasted 27 minutes, which, to be fair, is five minutes longer than I lasted before nuking Hobo with a Shotgun and about 23 minutes longer than I stayed with Take Me Home Tonight. If this kind of overwrought melodramata is for you, I’m not going to tell you that’s wrong, because we all like different things. But I’d be lying if I said anything to indicate THE HOST works for me. Given the inclusion of actors William Hurt and Diane Kruger, I had some hopes that THE HOST would be watchable, but the opening 27 minutes is so bad it’s hard for me to even hate-watch it. Everyone speaks in declarations and debates have all the nuance of a six-year old arguing with his mother about wanting cookies before dinner.

One thing I always tell my Lit classes is that stories will teach you how to read them, and since THE HOST teaches us to argue by stomping and pouting, I stomped and pouted my way back over to watching The Clone Wars.

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